So I was talking to a friend the other day who asked why I hadn't been writing much lately. Was it because I was too busy now that I'm a full-time working mom? Well, no. I mean, yes, I am very busy, in the way that I used to wonder was just an excuse when my friends who became parents claimed they could never, ever find the time to reply to my emails anymore. Can anybody be THAT busy? Yes.
But no, if I really thought I had something interesting to say I could make time to say it. In fact, several times I have thought, "That might make a good blog," but every single time it broke my no "cute things my kid did" rule. As I mentioned before, I do not want to become one of those people who bores everyone around them until they look around one day and realize they have no friends left because they have all hung or stabbed themselves, ala Ted's seatmates from Airplane!
Anyway in response to this, my friend said, "There are lots of parents out there who might actually be interested in what you have to say about parenting."
Well that was an interesting thought. There ARE a lot of parents out there. My parents are parents, for example. And so are theirs. That's... uh... six people already who might read these blogs? And God knows my friends are all procreating like slutty little rabbits lately. Instead of our own hard-partying-induced vomit on our clothes, it's now our offspring's. My favorite hang-out has become IHOP because they are open 24 hours, not for the reason I USED to love IHOP, which was also because they were open 24 hours, but the OTHER 24 hours, the ones where it was dark because it was 4am and I hadn't been to bed yet, not because it was 6am and I was up already. And also I love pancakes.
Wait, what was I talking about? Right, my parent friends who might get the IHOP bit. But by focusing on these sorts of issues in my life (not that pancakes are an issue, per se, no matter what time of day, because any time is a good time for pancakes) will I alienate those who do not have kids, or are still kids themselves?
Yeah, probably. But, I reason, my old blogs probably alienated my parent friends, so it's really their turn anyway.
However, if you don't have kids, I appeal to you in this manner: continue reading this blog, so it may serve as a warning to you. Heed! Having kids FUCKS YOU UP, and I will tell it like it is. So I will keep my non-parenting fans, whoever you might be (because I know my mom, the only die-hard fan I'm aware of, isn't a member of this group) by making you feel incredibly superior, not to mention fortunate, for your childlessness.
For example, a couple weeks ago we had a rare opportunity to go out sans toddler to a friend's wedding. Weddings are generally not something most people look forward to, what with the dressing up and requisite YMCA rendition, but I was totally stoked because a) I'd be out of the house past dark and b) there would be booze. I got gussied up and practiced talking in my grown-up voice and was all set to get down with my bad self, but of course I had two glasses of wine and started to fall asleep on my plate. It was 8pm. No, seriously. 8pm. We had to say our goodbyes quickly lest it become necessary for Tom to carry me over his shoulder to the car. My friend said the next day, "It was so cute how you got tired in the middle of dinner."
No, it was not cute. I miss the days of partying till dawn (stop laughing - I really did used to party till dawn. I DID). But now I have a schedule run by a three-foot dictator who is not, despite genetic predispositions, a late sleeper. When they say that you love your child so much you forget what it was like before? So much that, when you're leaving a wedding at 8pm just as the DJ turns on the strobe light and kicks it up a notch for the young folk who stay to party while the older generation shuffles out complaining about gassy bloating, you consider yourself one of the lucky ones? Don't buy that for a minute.
But hey, there's no wait at IHOP at 6am!
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