Did I Ask You?

"When I went into labor with my first I almost bled to death. I bled on the table for seven hours. I'm lucky to be alive."

"You need to get wait-listed for pre-school NOW. In fact, if you had a brain in your head you would have registered your child before you conceived him. That's not very responsible parenting."

"They couldn't figure out why I wouldn't stop bleeding but I was starting to see spots when the doctor finally showed up and reached up into my raw, oozing VAGINA and..."

"My friend waited too long to get waitlisted and ended up finding some random woman in the phone book who turned out to be a Jehovah's Witness and her baby's first words were, 'For this I have been born, and for this I have come into the world, that I should bear witness to the truth.' No,really..."

"And you can't buy just ANY crib, because up until 2005 the safety regulations weren't carefully monitored and 9 out of 10 children get their heads caught between the bars and die every year..."

"...and YANKED the rest of the placenta out with her FIST while I screamed, 'Holy Mother of God please take me NOW!'..."

"...then one day the kid comes home and says Santa Claus is the work of the devil..."

"... HUGE gush of blood all over the bed and the doctor and a bright white light..."

"...CRIB DEATH..."

"...and I am just so relieved I got him into daycare finally, because what's $2,500 a month for peace of mind and a caretaker who wasn't charged with manslaughter? Charged, not sentenced but still..."

"...and then they CUT OFF MY CLITORIS..."

"...forecasting college will cost thirty million dollars a year by the year 2020..."

"...fed it to some CHICKENS..."

"...college degree to teach finger-painting plus there's Early Mozart and Intro to Physics and you've signed up for astronomy already, right? No? Who let you procreate? What kind of a parent are you?!"

"BUT ABOVE ALL ELSE BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR STRESS LEVEL DOWN!!! IT ISN'T GOOD FOR THE BABY!"