I Have Some News

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE PREGNANT!”

For the past two and a half years, this is what always followed any announcement that I had news. And then I had to disappoint whoever it was by clarifying no, I am not pregnant, I got a new job. Or was moving to another state. Or had finally dislodged that uncomfortable piece of lettuce from between my teeth. Or something equally dissatisfying.

Every time I went to my in-laws for dinner and accepted the offer of a glass of wine, everybody sighed dejectedly.

So, AHEM

I have some news. Yes, THAT.

While I busy myself with growing a person, someone I can’t see or feel yet but who nevertheless exhausts me beyond the ability to speak, very little else has changed. I guess I expected people to be flying across the country to bang on our door and deliver gifts and hugs. But except for the exciting moment of delivering the news, pretty much everybody went straight back to minding their own business. I guess they’ll be more interested when the child is outside my body.

There are a few exceptions. My mom, of course, is thrilled, and calls me her “sleepy knocked up girl.” Mom has a propensity for creating creepy nicknames when she is profoundly moved by a life event. When I was planning my wedding she called me her “baby bride,” completely missing the irony that I was getting married in Alabama, where such a thing could be taken literally.

So mainly I’m just left to myself, with whom I spend very little time because I am often sleeping if I am not at work. When I am awake I am generally trying to find something to eat that will satisfy some elusive, indefinable craving - which luckily, so far, hasn’t ever turned out to be coal or dirt, which I hear are some of the less enticing cravings pregnant women can get – while still following all the minute rules of the pregnancy diet. I have to say, for something the size of a grape with no digestive system, this kid is one picky eater.

Who knew you couldn’t have any soft cheese, like blue cheese, goat cheese – essentially, all the ones that smell the worst and taste the best? Before I knew I was pregnant I threw Tom a birthday party for which I made a platter of pear and goat cheese bruschetta, most of which I ate myself before the guests arrived, served alongside an enormous wedge of brie which I also consumed liberally. So already, before I knew the kid existed, I had completely screwed up as a mother by essentially hurling a murderous hunk of brie down my gullet at his poor undeveloped head.

So then I started to get paranoid. One night while cooking fake jambalaya from a box (“just add meat!”) I discovered that I can’t eat deli meats either. They have the same evil bacteria as my beloved cheese. So I stood beholding my already-cooked jambalaya, listening to my stomach growl (which it does a lot these days) pondering whether They really mean it or not. After reading online for about 45 minutes, and accidentally stumbling upon all sorts of unrelated-to-deli-meat horrors, I determined that so long as I cooked the meat until it was unrecognizable, it was okay to eat.

But now it seems that whenever a food is mentioned, suddenly I HAVE to have it. For example, I overheard somebody mention Cheetos the other day. I have never really cared for Cheetos but I immediately dug through my wallet for change and hurled myself desperately at the vending machine, PRAYING that it had Cheetos (it did). I stuffed them down my word hole like a ragged street urchin. And if you had told me a couple months ago, “When you’re pregnant, you can’t eat deli meat,” I would have scoffed. But now that I can’t, suddenly ALL I WANT is deli meat. What about Subway sandwiches? No more turkey sandwiches from the sandwich shop in my office building? How can a high-protein, low-fat food like turkey be bad for me? I find myself questioning everything I put in my mouth. How can I not, when a well-respected baby website posts prominently on the front of its “pregnancy health” page a question from a reader headed “Is it okay for me to eat vegetables?” Vegetables? I would have filed that under the “duh” category but apparently this is a question worthy of discussion! If I can’t trust vegetables, what can I trust? No wonder pregnant women are all nuts.

Oh! Nuts. That sounds good.