Shy violets cover your ears: Moving fucking sucks.
We have just a few short weeks before we are moving to our new home. I don't think I'll have the opportunity to enjoy the new home because I will likely be bedding down in a mental institution.
I am trying to space out the packing over these few weeks by first packing the stuff we haven't touched since the last time we unpacked it. But here's a funny thing. Even though you never use most of the crap you own, the second you decide that something is superfluous enough to pack it you will need it. Another funny thing is that as soon as something is packed you will have no idea what box it is in even if you take meticulous notes, which I do. If it is packed you just have to assume you will not see it again until after you've moved, if ever, because we all know things go mysteriously missing as well.
Another funny thing is that everybody who works for the cable company is crooked and on drugs.
My conversation today:
"I would like to transfer our cable to a new home."
"Okay, the new monthly bill will be $170."
"Why? It's only $150 now."
"No it's not."
"Um, yes it IS. I'm looking at the bill."
"I'm sorry MA'AM," in that snotty "what have I done in this world to deserve having to deal with idiots like you all day" voice that they get. "But that is incorrect."
"Okay, let's move on. What did you say the new bill would be?"
"$132."
"I thought you said $150."
"No, MA'AM. That's what it WILL be."
"You said it WILL be $170."
Heavy sigh. "What date would you like to move your service over MA'AM?"
"The 22nd."
"Okay, we will send someone the 24th and you do not need to be home for the disconnect."
"The 22nd, please, and if I don't need to be home, does that mean you do this remotely?"
"No."
"No, you don't do it remotely, but nobody needs to be at home when you disconnect the service?"
"That is correct, MA'AM."
"So they won't need access to the home to disconnect?"
Heavy sigh. "Yes, MA'AM they will need to get in the home to disconnect your service."
"But I don't need to be there?"
"That is correct MA'AM."
"But then how will they get in the house if I don't need to be there?"
"I don't know, MA'AM. It's not my job to know the answer to that. I'm in customer service."
I am speechless.
"So we are all set for the 24th MA'AM."
"The 22nd."
"EXCUSE me?"
"I asked for the 22nd."
Silence for about 10 minutes except for the tapping of fingers on a keyboard.
"Okay, MA'AM you are all set for the 18th. Is there anything else you need?"
"Not the 18th. The 22nd!"
"I put the 18th but they'll be there the 22nd. But you don't need to be."
"I don't need to be there the 18th, or the 22nd?"
"You will not need to be there when they disconnect your cable as I said before, MA'AM."
"And what date will they be disconnecting my cable?"
"The 20th."
"Right. Okay! And how much will the new bill be?"
"$163, as I said before, MA'AM."
"Okay! Now we're making progress! So I'll see you on March 18th."
"No, MA'AM, the 22nd."
"You're right as always! And our bill will be $163."
"No, MA'AM, the bill will be $132 as I mentioned earlier, MA'AM."
"Okay! Well thank you! You've been so helpful I'm just going to put a thank you card in the mail to you right now!"
"You'rewelcomethankyouforcallingcomcastclick."
Next on the list - utilities.
"I need to move my service over to a new address."
"We don't have your current address listed MA'AM. So would you like new service?"
"What do you mean? I have service right now. Can't you hear the TV? Could I have the TV on if I didn't have electricity?"
"I'm sorry, MA'AM but our records indicate..."
But I can't tell you what happened next because this is when I threw the phone out the window and started binge drinking.
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